Brant and I would have disagreements, just like all marriages, but instead of working through things, I would shut down emotionally. For me, shutting down emotionally was a way to protect myself from feeling. I was tired of hurting. All it took was one word, just one word to trigger a memory from my past and bring me back to a very dark time. Poor Brant, he had no idea, he was so confused. He felt like I was comparing him to my ex, which was very hurtful to him.
I finally realized how much I was hurting him and I knew I needed to help him understand the emotional battle that was going on inside of me. I started opening up to him about details of my abuse, the very dark hurtful memories that I had never told anyone. It was very hard for me to talk about because along with the memories came the feelings I had experienced during that actual moment. Feelings that I never want to “feel” again. To my surprise, Brant’s response was so sweet. He was so comforting and made me feel safe. We connected on a different level that day and was actually very healing for me.
I had a hard time opening up to Brant because of the shame I felt and fear of his rejection. I feared that he would look at me differently. I feared he would see me as broken, too broken for him.
In the Bible, John 10:10 tells us that the enemy is here to “steal, kill and destroy”, Satan wants nothing more than to destroy my marriage. Attacks from the enemy are very real. “You should have never married him, he deserves better. You are better off alone, that way you won’t disappoint anyone anymore. You have been nothing but a disappointment from the time you were born.”
I find myself saying this more times than I would like…but it works! “Satan, get behind me in the name of Jesus!”
I then hear a small, very familiar voice say, “Let him love you.”
“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me,” John 10:27-28
Brant now has a better understanding of my past and the frequent internal battles I face. He’s able to help me realize that these thoughts are lies! Lies the enemy wants me to believe. And I cannot let the enemy win! Not today, Satan!
James 1:2 says….”Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
I absolutely LOVE the book of James. I find so much comfort during my times of despair and encourage anyone who is needing comfort to read this book. This verse is so true. Giving thanks during my trials allows me to surrender my past and pain to Jesus. There is so much power in the name of Jesus. Power that will overcome the enemy every single time. If you are struggling with the darkness of your past, please remember that there is a God who wants to fight this battle for you. Let Him! I promise you wont be disappointed.
I know the loneliness that comes with surviving something very terrifying. It’s difficult when you are surrounded by people who don’t understand. It’s not that they don’t want to understand, they really do. Be thankful they have not experienced your battles, your pain and your fear. Let them love you through it. I’m here if you need someone to talk to, please email me on my contact page. You are not alone.
“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10